Normandy
by Thessilian
Summary: "You can't take the sky from me… Since I found the Normandy…" ME/Firefly parody.


_This was originally going to be a chapter in my ongoing fem!shep/Garrus story 'If You Need Me', but about two paragraphs in I realised that it was far too close to a certain film. So I tried to add some shiny..._

_With apologies to Joss Whedon._

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**Normandy **

The sleekest looking ship in the universe, the Normandy is all smooth curves and gleaming white panels. A black 'SR2' sits beneath a red and black go-faster stripe halfway down the ship.

The bridge is small, one pilot seat taking up all of the space not otherwise occupied up by machinery. Shepard stands behind the pilot, Joker, holding onto the back of the chair as the ship dips into the planet's atmosphere. The Normandy shudders for a moment and Joker swears under his breath.

"EDI, if you don't give me some extra flow from the engines to offset this burn-through..." the pilot snaps.

"I regret to inform you Mr Moreau," EDI's voice responds, "that there _is_ no more flow. Engineer Donnelly is in the process of fitting the new FBA couplings."

"This is going to get interesting..." Joker mumbles. "I uh, perform better without an audience Commander." He starts to hit various controls, his hands almost moving faster than Shepard can follow.

She nods and backs out of the room. "Interesting, right. Like, _oh God, oh God, we're all gonna die_?" she mutters.

Walking down the corridor, she sees Garrus heading towards the elevator, his arms overflowing with assorted weapons.

"Ready for the mission, Shepard," he grins at her, mandibles wide.

"Garrus, how many weapons have you got? You've only got two arms, and you _do _remember what this mission is for?"

"Yes, but Shepard–" his mandibles droop.

"We're dropping down to Sinmara to fix the colony's magnetic shielding. Do we _really_ need a missile launcher? This is going to be a nice, _quiet_, mission. Emphasis on _quiet_."

"Commander, if I believed that quiet missions were always quiet, varren might fly. There's _always_ shooting when you go out." Garrus argues, fondling the launcher.

"No missiles." She states, patting the turian on his talons and heading towards the elevator. Garrus trails behind her, looking forlorn.

Miranda appears from her office, leaning around the doorframe to look at Shepard with an eyebrow raised. "Is Joker crashing our ship again?"

"Talk to your AI," she folds her arms. "Is the Mako prepped yet?

"Good to go, Commander, just loading her up." The dark haired woman eyes Garrus with a frown. "Are those missiles?"

Shepard shakes her head as she strides through the mess hall. There's some half eaten dumplings on the table and she swipes one off a plate. Just as she pops it in her mouth, the ship judders and the plastic crockery clatters to the floor.

She snarls, heading towards engineering. "Donnelly!"

The engine room is in chaos, wires sprouting from the console where Donnelly usually stands. Daniels has her head in her hands. "What in hell's going on?" Shepard demands.

"Everything's fine, Commander. Don't you worry, now," Donnelly's Scottish burr resonates up from underneath the loose wiring.

"You told me the FBA couplings would help improve performance." Shepard snaps as the ship lurches again.

"Yes, well, that's when they're actually fitted _before_ we're crashing."

"The Normandy doesn't crash. Well, except for when the Collectors hit us. But besides that, she doesn't crash. If she crashes – you crashed her."

Steam and electricity shoot in Shepard's direction, and she retreats, turning to find Dr Chakwas behind her. The Doctor has her arms folded and is frowning.

"Doctor, got time for my turian allergy jabs before the mission?" Shepard gives her a wide grin. "In case we get… uh… side tracked."

Chakwas nods as the ship lurches to one side again.

Shepard pats the wall. "Bit of fun between engineering and Joker, nothing to worry about."

Chakwas doesn't smile. "I'm not worried, I'm annoyed."

Shepard laughs, "It's kind of hard to tell if you're scared or not since you always look so serious. And old…"

The medic's expression doesn't change, nor does her voice. "I imagine if it was fear, Commander, I'd be running away screaming like everyone else who meets you."

Shepard narrows her eyes and brushes past the doctor. "Ah yes, I remember those people fondly. Good times."

Chakwas trots to keep up. "You're not taking her."

Shepard shakes her head. "I'm not interested in discussing squad tactics with–"

"She's not going with you. That's final." Chakwas says.

Shepard stops and spins on her heel. "Did you give me an order on my own damned ship? This is my boat, those of you on it are my crew."

She heads down a side corridor to the elevator. Chakwas is right on her heels.

Chakwas snorts. "Crew? _I_ might be crew but–"

"She is as well. And it's about time that little girl earned her passage." Shepard keeps walking away.

"I end up treating talon wounds, chafing rashes, ingestion sickness." The doctor complains.

Shepard looks at the scrapes on her arm from Garrus' plating and grins at the memory. "I concur that some of our illnesses might be a touch more _unusual_ than others."

"And you want me to send that poor girl out with you and that one track mind turian?"

"It's one mission, Doc. To fix some shields. Anyway she'll be fine – Garrus has a hair fetish."

They step into the sterile blue light of the infirmary. Shepard rolls up her sleeve and sits on the edge of a table.

"She's a seventeen year old girl." Chakwas tries again. "Admittedly, she has a lot of tattoos and a horrible attitude, but she's–"

"She's a biotic." Shepard interrupts. "I do big guns, Garrus does tech, so I want _her_." She looks up at the ceiling, waiting for the shot.

"It's always about what you want, isn't it Commander. That's why you've got this rash, now." Chakwas shakes her head.

"Quite honestly Doc, I think EDI's gonna crash us this time so it makes no difference." Shepard glances at the glowing blue light, but EDI doesn't reply.

Chakwas jabs an inoculation needle into her arm. "Do you understand what she's done to keep away from Cerberus?"

"I do. And that's why I haven't told the Illusive Man we've picked her up yet." Shepard rolls her sleeve back down and heads out.

"You…haven't? What about Miranda?" Chakwas trots to keep up.

"I have one purpose. To take out the Collectors. You've seen me, I've taken on whatever missions I can get to keep us flying – but they're getting fewer and fewer, in case you haven't noticed. I mean, we're off to fix a colony's _shields_, for Gods sake. And if we probe one more moon…" She strides into the elevator, Chakwas following her.

Shepard sighs as she hits the activation button and the lift starts moving. "Since Saren and the Reaper, security has gotten tighter. Makes it hard for naughty people like us who like to break the rules. And working for Cerberus makes it twice as hard, means the Alliance won't give us any honest missions."

They enter the biggest space on the ship. A single giant door sits at the front, ready to drop down like a drawbridge on landing to form a ramp. The Mako sits on the deck, bristling with weapons and loaded with ammunition. The all terrain vehicle is covered with numerous scrapes and dents, scars from past excursions where Shepard has tried to defy gravity and physics and been soundly defeated.

Shepard stops and places a hand on the doctor's shoulder. "If things go south, I _will_ look after her. But she _is_ coming on this mission."

The doctor sags as she walks to the stairs, head down. Shepard moves towards the Mako where she sees Garrus throwing yet more weapons into the trunk. She takes a moment to watch his arm muscles ripple in his ExoGeni shirt and sighs to herself with satisfaction.

Miranda is also watching the turian with her arms folded.

"Is EDI going to sort this out so Joker can land us?" Shepard calls to her XO.

"Already sorted, Commander." She grins. "They're landing now."

The Normandy settles gently down and the cargo bay door opens with a woosh. Shepard looks up at the catwalk, where Chakwas is standing beside a half-naked, tattooed, bald girl.

"Jack…"

Jack is squatting on the catwalk, her arms folded across her flat chest. "I know. We're going for a ride in the Mako. Probably just countless hours of driving around a dusty rock aimlessly searching for an old porno-disk of Matriarch Benezia before she got famous."

Overhearing this, Garrus perks up. "I'm only missing '_Benezia does Omega_.' I've heard it's her best. It's the one with the volus orgy at the end."

Everyone is suddenly, _noticeably_ silent and looking at their hands. Shepard speculates, not for the first time, how many of her crew are wondering why they ever left the Alliance in the first place.


End file.
